Waiter at the checkout

“Pooba!” I called, “Where’s all the gumboots!?”

It was 5:30pm on a busy Friday afternoon. I was standing in our meat fridge. Normally it is filled to the brim with thick, juicy cunts… cuts rather of gumboot sirloin. Pooba joined me a stood speechless, staring into the fridge. Every shelf was empty!

On the bottom shelf was a piece of flesh looking suspiciously like a scrotum. I picked it up and held it in front of Pooba’s face.

“Look at this! This is all the meat we have left. In about 15 minutes, we’ll have 93 paying customers in the bistro ordering gumboot sirloins! And you expect me to feed them with this!?”

Pooba shrugged. “Sorry boss, I went down the supermarket today to pick up some gumboots but they just looked at me like I was an idiot”

I resisted the temptation to suggest that the staff at the supermarket may have assessed Pooba correctly. Instead, I instructed Pooba to hold the fort and the bistro, and headed off in the direction of the Poopquick shopping centre.

It was 5:45 by the time I got there, and the Poopquick supermarket was nearly closing for the day. I grabbed a trolley and dashed in, just before the entry gates were closed and locked by a big, thick, gay looking employee.

“We’re closing in five minutes” the big fag said. “You better be quick.”

I stared up at the giant pansy. “Don’t worry, I’ll be in and out before you know it!” I said, grabbing a broom handle from a nearby display and penetrating his inner rectum with swift hand-over-hand motions. The giant gay guy died from internal bleeding in his anus in hospital three days later.

Having dealt with the large poofter, I pushed my trolley through the fruit and veg department, throwing random vegetables in as I went along. One of the displays in the department featured watermelon stuffed with kerosene. I thought these were rather cute and tossed a couple into the trolley. One of them rolled off the top of the trolley and disappered into the deli department, coming to a halt underneath a chicken oven. Three staff members carrying a fire extinguisher converged on the melon but they were too late. The explosion sent chicken wings, jarlsberg cheese and singed gall bladders flying into the air.

As I approached the dairy case, I heard a message on the P.A.

“Attention shoppers, the time is now 6pm, and this store has closed. Please proceed to the nearest checkout immediately. Failure to comply will result in immediate castration and testicle torture, followed by an anal exam performed by a 9,000 pound man. Thank you and have a nice day”

I was shocked! Not wanting to have my anus examined by a tubby geezer, I proceeded quickly to the meat department, hunting for the elusive gumboot sirloins. Imagine my surprise when I discovered row after row of the prized morsels. Even better was the price: At the bistro, we charge $50 for approximately 100g of gumboot. Here at the poopquick, they were charing $2 for as much as you could fit in your trolley! Bargain!

I loaded up my trolley with the gumboot and headed over to the checkouts. The checkout operator at the last remaining terminal was the 9,000 pound man! He was already wearing rubber gloves! I gulped as I approached.

“Hello sir!” he said warmly.

“Hi tubs” I said, worried my anus was about to be probed.

The fat man proceeded to scan the gumboot sirloins as I passed them along his conveyor belt. He helpfully seperated the cold products from the warm, and bagged them up for me.

“That comes to a total of $3.20″ he said. I paid him with my company credit card – a chocolate bar wrapper Pooba left in the bin. He handed me a receipt.

“We hope to see you again soon, sir” he said, still smiling.

I suddenly realised there was something wrong about the 9,000 pound man. He sounded a bit artificial. I took out my .375 magnum and shot him 5 times in the head. Pieces of flesh flew off, but he didn’t seem fazed. Underneath his face were metallic objects and computer chips. He was a robot!

I ran as fast as I could with the robot in hot pursuit.

“You killed my lover!” he cried.

“You mean that big gay guy?” I yelled back.

“He was my inventor” cried the robot, big robot tears streaming down his face.

“Oh sorry bro” I said, running even faster and pushing my gumboot filled trolley.

As we approached the bistro, I called Pooba on his cell.

“Pooba, I want you to get the electromagnet from underneath the bar and charge it up” I yelled.

“Ok boss….. Done!” replied Pooba.

“Ok, power up the magnet” I said.

Behind me I heard the 9,000 man approach, with his finger positioned to insert itself deep into the hole where poopy comes out. All of a sudden, I heard a whirring noise. I turned around, watching the 9,000 man lift up into the air.

“NOOOOOooooOOO!” he cried, as the beam of magnetic energy caused his circuits to fry and his robotic penis to shrivel up.

“Haha” I said, turning to push my trolley into the bistro. The trolley was gone!

I then realised the electromagnetic beam had teleported the trolley to a parralel dimension.

“Aww shit” I said, but then I realised all was not lost…

***30 minutes later***

“Ah, this was the finest gumboot ever!” said the blind man seated at table 4.

“Ah yes, thank you sir, we changed the recipe somewhat today” I beamed proudly.

“Tastes somewhat like…. metal” pondered the gay blind dude.

“It’s robot, actually” I replied.

“Robust? Yes, rather” he said, returning to his meal.

Blind people… I have no problem with them. But deaf people… They piss me off.

I grabbed my magnum.