Job Interviews

I arrived at the bistro at 4:00am to prepare for the job interviews. As you may have read in a previous post, I was advertising for the position of apprentice chef, after our previous apprentice Pooba McPooby died at the hands of a gay blind man.

 The amount of applications for the job was tremendous, a total of three people applied. I immediately discounted the first applicant as he was a gay blind man, possibly even Pooba’s killer. The other two applicants sounded like honest chaps, so I called them in for an interview.

The first interview was at 8:00am, so I started to prepare the bistro. I removed a couple of dead patrons from the corner table and disposed of them in our furnace. I removed some dog faeces from the snack bowls on the bar which were meant to contain pretzels and beer nuts. Finally, I brought out our finest stirling silver cutlery stolen from a rival restaurant and laid every table with these prized implements. The bistro had never looked so good!

 I decided to conduct the interviews using the longest table in the bistro. I set up my seat at one end of the table, and the interviewee was to be seated at the opposite end, around 12 metres away. Running underneath the table was a hollow pipe. Inside the pipe was an invention of mine, I call it the ‘Testicle Grabber Deluxe (TM)’. From my seat, I could operate the two buttons on the control pad, namely: ‘Squeeze’ and ‘Squeeze harder till popped’. The interviewee would be strapped into the device at the beginning of the interview, just in case I decided they were too crap for the job, or looked blind.

At 8:00am sharp a tall, well dressed man entered the bistro. Sporting a stunning 3 piece grey pin stripe suit ensemble with a dashing aqua-marine tie, the interviewee shook my hand and introduced himself as Mr Macca Roney. I seated Mr Roney at the end of the table and attached the ‘Testicle Grabber Deluxe (TM)’ onto his rather peanut sized balls. He seemed a little bit worried at first, but I brandished a steak knife against his anal opening to show I meant business. He passed me a copy of his resume rather meekly.

“So, Mr Roney” I began as I sat at my end of the table. “Which university did you study at?”

“Well, I did my bachelor’s degree at Havard, My master’s at Oxford, My Docotor of Philosophy at Gaybridge, my Lower Docotorate at…”

“Yes ok, we get the point, you love to wank off” I said, cutting the smart fuck short. “I’m interested in your work experience, could you tell me about your last place of employment?”

Mr Macca Roney looked somewhat pale. “Well, sir, I used to work at a supermarket…”

I didn’t say anything for a moment. Then I realised where I had seen this arrogant piece of horse shit before… At the Poopquick Supermarket! I had seen him in one of the aisles, pretending to fill stock, but I had caught a glimpse of his hand pumping away at his pathetic little excuse for a cock.

“I know who you are, wanker. I’m now going to squeeze your balls”

Before Wanka Roney could start to cry, I pressed the “squeeze” button and held it for 5 seconds.

“AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhHHHH” came the cry. The maximum you can hold the squeeze button for before the balls pop is generally 10 seconds. Wanka Roney’s poor little balls would be quite tender right now.

“So, Wanka Roney. You want to get a job at THE BISTRO! You work at the Poopquick Supermarket… You are delusional… Do you have anything else to say in your application, or should I do the world a favour and castrate you know?” I asked.

Wanka Roney looked at me sadly. Then a light bulb turned on above his head and he began to talk:

 ”Well… a long time ago I used to be a waiter. I even had this blog which I kept anonymously. It was called Waiter Rant. It was quite a famous blog, very popular and well read. Then one day I quit my job, and the only job I could get was at the Poopquick. Ever since I’ve been looking to get a new waiter’s job. So I applied for your Bistro, sir.”

I mulled over this for a while. Could Wanka Roney really be the author of Waiter Rant? He seemed to be gay enough. After a while, I decided it really was him.

“Ok Wanka Roney, I believe you” I said. Then I pressed the ‘Squeeze harder till popped button”.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…”

“POP!”

…

I gave the job to the second applicant, named Mr Big Peeny. Peeny helped me dispose of the body of W. Roney in the deep fryer.

We served him as the special of the day: Deep Fried Waiter with pop-ball sauce.

RIP Pooba McPooby

I have some sad news to share with you. Our apprentice chef, Pooba McPooby, died today. He was murdered by a blind man who complained that his gumboot was undercooked. Pooba, as I trained him to do, told the man to shove it up his cunt-hole if he didn’t like it. Sadly for Pooba, the blind man pulled a 34cm hunting knife from his eye socket and stabbed Pooba in the crotch 895 times. There was a lot of blood to clean up.

But anyway, I’m looking for a new apprentice to start in the Bistro as soon as possible. Please address the following erection criteria:

 1) Must have had experience in giving fellatio to corpses, preferably in the advanced stages of decomposition.

2) Experience in castration and genital torture techniques, particularly with instruments such as tooth picks, golf clubs and muffin trays.

3) Knowledge of how to operate on a cancer patient and save remove tumours.

4) Advanced dimploma in Penis Archaeology is necessary (although a certificate in Bowel Movements can be substituted providing the candidate has a large dick)

5) Candidate must be at least 45kg overweight.

6) Prior experience in executing annoying and rude customers. (A full range of weaponry, including knives, pistols and C4 will be provided to assist in this task)

7) Most importantly: A cheerful ‘can-do’ attitude and great customer service skills.

Previous applicants need not apply. Blind applicants can apply, but I will shoot them dead if they turn up for an interview. Gay or homosexual applicants are welcome to apply, as long as they have HIV.

Please post all applications to:

The Bistro Manager,
174 Chopcock Lane
CUNTEVILLE 4223

Applications close 42/32/07. You will be contacted by phone if you are successful in gaining an interview. If you do not receive a reply, it is because you are probably gay and have small balls.