8 companies, Zero testicle

I could tell the customer was going to die the minute he walked into the bistro. And I knew instantly that I would be the one to kill him. But I digress…

It was around 8pm, a fairly busy time at the Bistro, two nights ago. I was preparing a few desserts in the kitchen because Pedro, our sous chef, was diagnosed with the ebola virus the day before. The doctor gave him almost no chance of survival, and ordered all the people he had been in contact with in the last 48 hours be placed in quarantine. Luckily for us, Pedro lied and said he was a recluse and hadn’t seen anybody for years. If the doctor knew he’d prepared meals for over 345 diners in the past 48 hours I think the quarantine ward would be somewhat full.

 But anyway, I was making a gelato with nuts. Now most restaurants skimp on the nuts and use peanuts, or sometimes pecans. But we don’t mess around. We use real nuts. I’m talking fresh juicy testicles, just plucked from the bull. The only problem was, we’d run out. I knew that Pooba, our apprentice, often liked to snack on them. I was considering firing him when I heard a loud voice from the dining room.

 ’I demand to be served… NOW!’

‘What a faggot’ I thought to myself, and strolled out to meet the angry diner. What I saw disgusted me.

There was a hugely fat man, wearing a very cheap and nasty business suit and a horrible spotted tie. He was holding a cheap imitation plastic briefcase and was wearing a Pooplex watch (a cheap rip off a rolex, clearly). What made the fat man worse was his escorts – he had a gay man on each arm with both of them wearing less material than the miniscule napkins we provide our diners.

“I demand to be seated immediately, and brought a menu. Three menus actually. I’m important you know. I own eight companies and I’m a very big man”

“I can see that you’re a big man” I said, watching his fat belly wobble. “Very well, you may have this seat here”

I ushered the man and his two gay lovers to a table overlooking our fishtank. I brought three stools from the bar and placed them upside down on the ground.

“I hope this is to your liking?” I asked.

It was. The fat man and the gay men lowered their pants and allowed one leg of each stool to enter their anus. They began to bob up and down in pleasure. I was disgusted, but a plan to get some nuts for the gelato began to formulate in my head…

I returned to the kitchen and summoned Pooba, giving him a sharp knife. I selected a toothpick from a jar. We also enlisted the help of a blind man who was conveniently taking a piss in the alley outside the bistro. I armed him with a spoon. Together we strode out into the dining room, in search of nuts.

I walked up to the fat man who owned eight companies and quickly tied him and his companions to their stools. Pooba, the blind man and I brandished our weapons. “Strip” I said.

With great difficulty, the three men removed their clothes. I laughed at the size of the fat mans organ. It was about the size of this full stop. Smaller in fact. Luckily his testicles were about the size of small peas, so we could use them.

“Ok lads” I said “Let the torture begin”

We began to attack the three men. Pooba and the blind man started to rape the gay men with their respective weapons. I took my toothpick and began poking out the fat man’s eyes. He started to blubber.

“I was only joking.. OWWWW… I don’t really…. AHAHH own eight companies… I don’t own anything, i stole this pooplex watch from a beggar”

“Honest won’t save you, fag” I sad, pressing the toothpick through his spleen, and then rupturing his digestive tract.

“I’m sorry, i won’t be gay again, just don’t kill me’ he screamed

“OK” I said. The fat man looked up in hope. “But first, I need to take your balls”

I slowly, painstakingly detached his balls with the toothpick. Pooba and blind man did the same on the gay escorts.

I plopped the fresh nuts into the gelato and took them to table 14. The customer had left.

“Dammit” I said, and ate the gelato.