Job Interviews

I arrived at the bistro at 4:00am to prepare for the job interviews. As you may have read in a previous post, I was advertising for the position of apprentice chef, after our previous apprentice Pooba McPooby died at the hands of a gay blind man.

 The amount of applications for the job was tremendous, a total of three people applied. I immediately discounted the first applicant as he was a gay blind man, possibly even Pooba’s killer. The other two applicants sounded like honest chaps, so I called them in for an interview.

The first interview was at 8:00am, so I started to prepare the bistro. I removed a couple of dead patrons from the corner table and disposed of them in our furnace. I removed some dog faeces from the snack bowls on the bar which were meant to contain pretzels and beer nuts. Finally, I brought out our finest stirling silver cutlery stolen from a rival restaurant and laid every table with these prized implements. The bistro had never looked so good!

 I decided to conduct the interviews using the longest table in the bistro. I set up my seat at one end of the table, and the interviewee was to be seated at the opposite end, around 12 metres away. Running underneath the table was a hollow pipe. Inside the pipe was an invention of mine, I call it the ‘Testicle Grabber Deluxe (TM)’. From my seat, I could operate the two buttons on the control pad, namely: ‘Squeeze’ and ‘Squeeze harder till popped’. The interviewee would be strapped into the device at the beginning of the interview, just in case I decided they were too crap for the job, or looked blind.

At 8:00am sharp a tall, well dressed man entered the bistro. Sporting a stunning 3 piece grey pin stripe suit ensemble with a dashing aqua-marine tie, the interviewee shook my hand and introduced himself as Mr Macca Roney. I seated Mr Roney at the end of the table and attached the ‘Testicle Grabber Deluxe (TM)’ onto his rather peanut sized balls. He seemed a little bit worried at first, but I brandished a steak knife against his anal opening to show I meant business. He passed me a copy of his resume rather meekly.

“So, Mr Roney” I began as I sat at my end of the table. “Which university did you study at?”

“Well, I did my bachelor’s degree at Havard, My master’s at Oxford, My Docotor of Philosophy at Gaybridge, my Lower Docotorate at…”

“Yes ok, we get the point, you love to wank off” I said, cutting the smart fuck short. “I’m interested in your work experience, could you tell me about your last place of employment?”

Mr Macca Roney looked somewhat pale. “Well, sir, I used to work at a supermarket…”

I didn’t say anything for a moment. Then I realised where I had seen this arrogant piece of horse shit before… At the Poopquick Supermarket! I had seen him in one of the aisles, pretending to fill stock, but I had caught a glimpse of his hand pumping away at his pathetic little excuse for a cock.

“I know who you are, wanker. I’m now going to squeeze your balls”

Before Wanka Roney could start to cry, I pressed the “squeeze” button and held it for 5 seconds.

“AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhHHHH” came the cry. The maximum you can hold the squeeze button for before the balls pop is generally 10 seconds. Wanka Roney’s poor little balls would be quite tender right now.

“So, Wanka Roney. You want to get a job at THE BISTRO! You work at the Poopquick Supermarket… You are delusional… Do you have anything else to say in your application, or should I do the world a favour and castrate you know?” I asked.

Wanka Roney looked at me sadly. Then a light bulb turned on above his head and he began to talk:

 ”Well… a long time ago I used to be a waiter. I even had this blog which I kept anonymously. It was called Waiter Rant. It was quite a famous blog, very popular and well read. Then one day I quit my job, and the only job I could get was at the Poopquick. Ever since I’ve been looking to get a new waiter’s job. So I applied for your Bistro, sir.”

I mulled over this for a while. Could Wanka Roney really be the author of Waiter Rant? He seemed to be gay enough. After a while, I decided it really was him.

“Ok Wanka Roney, I believe you” I said. Then I pressed the ‘Squeeze harder till popped button”.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…”

“POP!”

…

I gave the job to the second applicant, named Mr Big Peeny. Peeny helped me dispose of the body of W. Roney in the deep fryer.

We served him as the special of the day: Deep Fried Waiter with pop-ball sauce.

How did you find this blog?

I was looking at the search engine stats for this blog and found that people have been searching for some sick sick things on google. Here is a collection of the most disgusting and filthy search phrases that you have used to get to my blog!

frypan handle up anus

balls pop scream agony

male poopy pants

karlos is gay

cleaning my arsehole

raped by 2 men in the alley

my balls out of scrotum

my dick smells like cheese

i hooked my pant behind balls and entere

And my personal favourite, which defies any possible explanation:

make love wearing waiters testicles

You people are weird. Keep reading my blog though…

RIP Pooba McPooby

I have some sad news to share with you. Our apprentice chef, Pooba McPooby, died today. He was murdered by a blind man who complained that his gumboot was undercooked. Pooba, as I trained him to do, told the man to shove it up his cunt-hole if he didn’t like it. Sadly for Pooba, the blind man pulled a 34cm hunting knife from his eye socket and stabbed Pooba in the crotch 895 times. There was a lot of blood to clean up.

But anyway, I’m looking for a new apprentice to start in the Bistro as soon as possible. Please address the following erection criteria:

 1) Must have had experience in giving fellatio to corpses, preferably in the advanced stages of decomposition.

2) Experience in castration and genital torture techniques, particularly with instruments such as tooth picks, golf clubs and muffin trays.

3) Knowledge of how to operate on a cancer patient and save remove tumours.

4) Advanced dimploma in Penis Archaeology is necessary (although a certificate in Bowel Movements can be substituted providing the candidate has a large dick)

5) Candidate must be at least 45kg overweight.

6) Prior experience in executing annoying and rude customers. (A full range of weaponry, including knives, pistols and C4 will be provided to assist in this task)

7) Most importantly: A cheerful ‘can-do’ attitude and great customer service skills.

Previous applicants need not apply. Blind applicants can apply, but I will shoot them dead if they turn up for an interview. Gay or homosexual applicants are welcome to apply, as long as they have HIV.

Please post all applications to:

The Bistro Manager,
174 Chopcock Lane
CUNTEVILLE 4223

Applications close 42/32/07. You will be contacted by phone if you are successful in gaining an interview. If you do not receive a reply, it is because you are probably gay and have small balls.

The massage chair of doom

It was 8:04 pm. I had been working at the bistro for 34 hours straight, after Pooba – our apprentice – and Pedro – our sous chef – both called in sick. I was the only employee at the bistro, and I was doing everything. Chopping and peeling vegetables. Seating customers at their tables. Pouring drinks at the bar. Preparing meals. Washing dishes. Jerking off blind men. It was killing me.

My back was very painful. I had hurt it the other day playing tennis with Pooba. Pooba used to play internationally, and had once beaten Lleyton Hewit after he fired a 190kph volley right into Hewit’s ball sack. His scrotum was found two days later in a neighbouring suburb. But I digress.

Pooba had lobbed a high ball at me, and I was twisting around to return with my back hand, when I fell down a deep pit on the tennis court. The court we were playing on had been abandoned since WWII, after it was bombed by Nazi fighter planes. There are still unexploded munitions covering the court, and you have to be careful to avoid them if you want to finish the match with two legs. Anyway, I fell down the bomb crater and felt a sharp pain down my spine.

‘Are you ok?’ called Pooba, standing over the hole.

‘Yes, can you help me out?’ I asked weakly.

Pooba bent down and lifted me out of the hole carefully. He gasped as he saw the state of my back. My entire spinal cord was gone, ripped out by a sharp jagged piece of nazi shrapnel embedded in the hole!

‘Holy shit!’ said Pooba! ‘You must get medical attention immediately!’

I tried walking around, and though it hurt a bit, decided I could avoid medical attention for some time.

‘I’ll be ok’ I said ‘Let’s just finish this game’.

That was two days ago. Now my back was very, very sore. I decided medical assistance was necessary, so i decided to close the store.

‘All right, it’s closing time. Last person out of the bistro gets to play with the testicle torture machine!’ I cried.

There was pandemonium as all the male customers converged on the exit at once. The female customers weren’t paying me much attention, so I took out the cunt torture machine. They too converged on the exit immediately. Lucky for the customers I was just joking about the torture, although I have been known to pop a few balls in my time.

I reached for the yellow pages under the bar and looked through the advertisements for back injuries. This one caught my eye:

Lost your spinal cord?

Feeling terrible back pain when performing everyday duties?

You need the Massage Chair 9000!

Just $5, plus delivery*

 

There was some small writing below the ad regarding the delivery fee but I couldn’t make it out. Still, I figured $5 for a massage chair was great value, so I called the number.

Moments later my chair arrived by parachute in the alley outside the bistro. It was black, and looked vaguely evil.

I decided that I ought to test it out, but I was reluctant to be the first person to do so. Normally the alley is full of blind men engaging in homosexual relations, but tonight it was nearly empty, with just two blind men.

‘Hey!’ I called out to the blind men. ‘This chair is a sight-restoring chair! It only works once, for the first person who sits in it. Give it a go!’

The blind men didn’t need to be asked twice. They both leapt up and ran for the chair. I couldn’t help but laugh! One of the men nearly got in the seat, then the other one punched him.

‘It’s my chair, I want my vision back!’ one of the cried.

‘No, you bastard, I lost my sight when I fell in a vat of acid! You became blind through excessive masturbation! I deserve my sight back!’ the other replied, punching the first man.

This struggle went on for some time. Finally, the masturbator kneed his opponent in the balls, temporarily stunning him. The masturbator leapt into the chair, applied the restraints, and pressed the ‘on’ button.

The machine started to make weird noises, and the masturbator started to vibrate. The chair clamped his feet down so they couldn’t move. The chair was quite loud, and it appeared to be performing a nice massage to the guys back. I was about to stop the demonstration when the other blind man got up off the ground and proceeded to start kicking the control panel at the back.

‘Stop you blind bastard! Stop!’ I cried, but the crazy blind man had gone troppo, taking off his shoe and pounding the console. Sparks began to fly and pieces of the control panel started to break off.

The chair began to make louder sounds, and the masturbator started to scream. I held my hand over my eyes, then realised I liked seeing this kind of thing and watched intently again.

All of a sudden, the noise changed to that of a chainsaw! I watched as a buzzing metal saw started to rise out of the middle of the chair and head towards the blind man’s balls! His screams became louder as the chainsaw edged closer towards his testicles.

The testicle torture machine paused right before his pants, and then made a tiny incision, just revealing the blind man’s scrotum. Then, with vicious accuracy, it began to randomly slash the poor guy’s balls! Pieces of ball meat flew everywhere. My face was covered with a yellow brown liquid, which could have been urine and poopy.

Then three more chainsaws sprung forth from the chair, and proceeded to hack of the limbs of the blind man. He died.

I was devastated. The chair would not help my back problems after all! I took out my .375 magnum and shot the other blind man dead. Then I went home.

8 companies, Zero testicle

I could tell the customer was going to die the minute he walked into the bistro. And I knew instantly that I would be the one to kill him. But I digress…

It was around 8pm, a fairly busy time at the Bistro, two nights ago. I was preparing a few desserts in the kitchen because Pedro, our sous chef, was diagnosed with the ebola virus the day before. The doctor gave him almost no chance of survival, and ordered all the people he had been in contact with in the last 48 hours be placed in quarantine. Luckily for us, Pedro lied and said he was a recluse and hadn’t seen anybody for years. If the doctor knew he’d prepared meals for over 345 diners in the past 48 hours I think the quarantine ward would be somewhat full.

 But anyway, I was making a gelato with nuts. Now most restaurants skimp on the nuts and use peanuts, or sometimes pecans. But we don’t mess around. We use real nuts. I’m talking fresh juicy testicles, just plucked from the bull. The only problem was, we’d run out. I knew that Pooba, our apprentice, often liked to snack on them. I was considering firing him when I heard a loud voice from the dining room.

 ’I demand to be served… NOW!’

‘What a faggot’ I thought to myself, and strolled out to meet the angry diner. What I saw disgusted me.

There was a hugely fat man, wearing a very cheap and nasty business suit and a horrible spotted tie. He was holding a cheap imitation plastic briefcase and was wearing a Pooplex watch (a cheap rip off a rolex, clearly). What made the fat man worse was his escorts – he had a gay man on each arm with both of them wearing less material than the miniscule napkins we provide our diners.

“I demand to be seated immediately, and brought a menu. Three menus actually. I’m important you know. I own eight companies and I’m a very big man”

“I can see that you’re a big man” I said, watching his fat belly wobble. “Very well, you may have this seat here”

I ushered the man and his two gay lovers to a table overlooking our fishtank. I brought three stools from the bar and placed them upside down on the ground.

“I hope this is to your liking?” I asked.

It was. The fat man and the gay men lowered their pants and allowed one leg of each stool to enter their anus. They began to bob up and down in pleasure. I was disgusted, but a plan to get some nuts for the gelato began to formulate in my head…

I returned to the kitchen and summoned Pooba, giving him a sharp knife. I selected a toothpick from a jar. We also enlisted the help of a blind man who was conveniently taking a piss in the alley outside the bistro. I armed him with a spoon. Together we strode out into the dining room, in search of nuts.

I walked up to the fat man who owned eight companies and quickly tied him and his companions to their stools. Pooba, the blind man and I brandished our weapons. “Strip” I said.

With great difficulty, the three men removed their clothes. I laughed at the size of the fat mans organ. It was about the size of this full stop. Smaller in fact. Luckily his testicles were about the size of small peas, so we could use them.

“Ok lads” I said “Let the torture begin”

We began to attack the three men. Pooba and the blind man started to rape the gay men with their respective weapons. I took my toothpick and began poking out the fat man’s eyes. He started to blubber.

“I was only joking.. OWWWW… I don’t really…. AHAHH own eight companies… I don’t own anything, i stole this pooplex watch from a beggar”

“Honest won’t save you, fag” I sad, pressing the toothpick through his spleen, and then rupturing his digestive tract.

“I’m sorry, i won’t be gay again, just don’t kill me’ he screamed

“OK” I said. The fat man looked up in hope. “But first, I need to take your balls”

I slowly, painstakingly detached his balls with the toothpick. Pooba and blind man did the same on the gay escorts.

I plopped the fresh nuts into the gelato and took them to table 14. The customer had left.

“Dammit” I said, and ate the gelato.

Rough Cuts

‘Waiter, come here right this second!’ came the angry shout.

I glanced over at the far corner of the restaurant where I had just seated Bret Weston Elice the Second. Sighing, I turned to Kooper, the head waiter, and told him that I would be right back.

‘Is anything wrong, Mr. Elice?’ I asked politely.

‘Yes,’ he sputtered. ‘This steak is a piece of shit.’

I put my finger to my lips and hushed him. ‘Shh, the sous chef is in a foul mood today. You don’t want him to hear you now, do you?’

‘I don’t care if he hears me,’ Bret shouted. ‘I ordered gumboot sirloin and this is most definitely not gumboot! If I’m not mistaken, it’s poop!’

I peered closely at the charred brown lump in front of him. ‘Hmm,’ I mused. ‘I think you may be right sir. I’ll conduct an investigation to see whether speed or alcohol was involved.’

The plate of sirloin in hand, I marched towards the kitchen. Inside, I called out to the sous chef, who was slumped over a counter stroking a weiner. ‘Chef, I’ve had a complaint about your gumboot sirloin. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you a few questions.’

‘Vas te faire foutre,’ he replied.

‘Fuck you too. Now, Chef, were you drinking when you prepared this gumboot?’ I asked carefully.

‘Non.’

‘Did you use excessive speed?’

‘Non.’

‘Well then, I declare this investigation to be over,’ I announced cheerfully. ‘I rule out speed and alcohol as contributing factors to this botched gumboot.’

Chef stood up, his face as red as his inflamed testicles. ‘Eh, who said my gumboot was a botch job?’

I pointed out into the restaurant at Bret, who was stirring his straw through his glass of mineral turpentine and staring wistfully out the window.

With an angry roar, he charged through the swinging kitchen doors and made a beeline for Bret. Bret’s mouth dropped open when he saw Chef storming towards him. My god, he thought. His face is as red as my inflamed testicles.

Chef stopped abruptly before Bret and waved his weiner in the air. ‘You don’t like gumboot? My gumboot not good for you?’ he raged. ‘You eat my weiner, here!’

Without another word, Chef grabbed Bret’s head and stuffed his weiner into Bret’s mouth. Bret’s eyes watered at the meaty taste, and his throat constricted as he choked for breath. Chef released Bret’s head and then whisked his meat cleaver from the sleeve in his apron. ‘No gumboot for you,’ he said sternly, and brought the cleaver down onto Bret’s right knee.

Blood gushed everywhere. Bret tried to scream but the sounds were muffled by the weiner, still wedged in his teeth. Chef yanked Bret’s leg, and had to chop at it a couple more times because the first blow hadn’t gone straight through. When the leg was finally free from its adjoining body, Chef hurled the leg onto the table. Amazingly, the leg was sporting a pink, calf-length gumboot.

Chef pulled the gumboot off the leg in one swift motion. ‘No gumboot for you,’ Chef repeated.

Revenge of the blind men

Today was one of the worst days of my life. I was raped. By two blind men.

 Let me start at the beginning.

Just before closing time, a blind man wandered into the bistro, tapping his cane all over the place, dunking an old lady head first into a bowl of boiling soup. Her face and eyes melted away after contact with the hot liquid. The blind man kept patting his cane around wildly before finally prodding me in the crotch with it. Maddened, I grabbed the cane and snapped it in half, hitting the man in his balls. I heard a loud ‘pop’ and then the man fell over, dead from a massive heart attack.

Pedro came running out of the kitchen.

‘Senor! You have done a very bad thing! You have killed a blind man. They will not like that’

‘Quiet Pedro.’ I said. ‘I didn’t mean to kill the bastard, I was just making sure he would never be able to reproduce’.

We shooed the rest of the patrons out, taking the woman with the scalded face to the meat freezer where she could be used for future gumboot sirloins. Pedro and I then began our nightly task of cleaning up the shop, which involves taking a piss on the tables and pooping in the kitchen sink. We were taking a nice dump when we heard the sound of breaking glass in the male restroom. I went to investigate.

As I entered the dark room, I felt a hand grab my dick tightly.

‘OWW!’ I cried out in pain.

 ’You killed our friend’ said a voice.

‘We’re gonna rape you’ said another.

All of a sudden, I felt a small but hard object slide past my anal walls and deep into my inner rectum. I tried to scream, but there was another hard object thrusting into my mouth. I was being raped by two blind men! The blind man fucking my arsehole came first, and then the one pumping into my mouth spooged down my throat! I heard one of the men take out a flick knife.

‘Ok, time to slit his throat’

I closed my eyes and feared for the worst! Then I heard an awful scream behind me.

‘You idiot, you cut the wrong person!’

The blind man behind me slumped to the floor, dead. I laughed! Blind people can be dumb!

Health Inspection (Part Two)

After leaving Pedro in charge as the head waiter, and promoting Pooba to rank of sous chef, I returned to the meat freezer where I had left McPenry a few minutes earlier, minus his testicles. He was still alive – just – in the negative 40 degree chill of the freezer.

‘So, still think I’m a fool?’ I asked him, still seething over the health inspector’s eariler comment.

McPenry writhed in slow agony on the ground on the freezer, frozen icicles of blood clinging to the void between his legs. Disgusted by the sight, I decided the time had come to put him out of his misery, and I decapitated him with the aid of an icy meat hook. McPenry was no more.

I quickly stripped the corpse and donned McPenry’s regulation health inspector outfit. It was a bit loose, given the extra large nature of the garments designed to suit McPenry’s tubby frame, but other than that it was a good fit. I collected the inspection clipboard, filled with dark crosses. Finally, I trimmed off some of McPenry’s hair from his decapitated head and pasted it over my hair. I returned to the kitchen to witness Pooba’s stunned expression.

Satisfied that my disguise had fooled Pooba, I left the restaurant through the back door and progressed rapidly through the alleyway to the subway station. On the way, I observed a blind man taking a piss against some garbage cans. Normally I have nothing against blind people, but this was an obscene act to take part in near a restaurant. Luckily for me the man was blind, so he didn’t notice as I picked up a set of garden shears lying conveniently nearby and carefully trimmed the offending body part off the blind man. He was mildly peturbed by the intrusion into his urination ritual.

I reached the subway station and boarded a train to the health inspector’s offices, located two stops away. Nobody gave me a second glance as I was dressed in McPenry’s regulation inspector outfit, although the blood and semen stains covering the jacket did raise a few eyebrows in the elevator. I reached McPenry’s personal office and found a sheet to replace the one which was covered in black crosses. I carefully placed the new version (filled with ticks) into McPenry’s in tray. My work here was done.

As I left the building, I felt a buzzing in my pocket. It was McPenry’s phone! I took it out and answered the call, trying to imitate McPenry’s girly voice.

‘Hi, Henry McPenry speaking’ I said.

‘McPenry you fag, I need you to make sure the Bistro fails the health and safety test. If they aren’t closed down within a week, I’ll have your balls’ said a voice, before suddenly disconnecting.

‘Too late’ I said.